entry 2: today i felt really alone, i have been stressing this week about almost everything i wish i could take a break from this place my aniexty has gotten worse i haven't taken the 150mgs yet im not sure if i should take em now while im home or take em before school both sounds really unpleasant but this dumb experiment has to go on, some im looking foward to is hanging out with my friends tomorrow watching cheap european movies im hoping one of them brings weed maybe it'll put my aniexty at ease and i'll get a break of worrying so damn much, nearly finished with resident evil 7 im glad im finally finishing a game for once, i need to be someone's prioity for once with eveyrbody i talk to it feels like they'll always have people above me if that makes any sense i want to be top prioity for somebody, but it seems that, that'll never happen and i feel heavily selfish for saying that i don't why but i feel selfish maybe because i know that's impossible to be someones world, i guess i feel selfish and guilty about it because i just want to feel cared for, it hurts knowing ill never be someone's prioity maybe i already have that person and im just being ungrateful, im a greedy asshole i just want more and more for me, sometimes i ask myself what im gonna do when im alone again, i already lived through it for 17 years another 17 years can't hurt plus im already treated differently and exculded, i feel like im so disconnected from people that i doubt they think im human or maybe i doubt their humans either way it feels robotic it feels like im in some sort of simulation or uh a movie set because i feel like i can't connect with anyone it's all just empty interactions and relationships and maybe that's why i feel alone it's because im disconnected, i don't know how to fix it and it ruins my relationships just like my aniexty, i suddenly think nobody is loyal and that they're just there to hurt me, im afraid of people, i don't understand them and i feel like shit because i feel like i don't belong anywhere i want to feel welcomed but it feels like im always an outsider, i want to take my life in a whole different direction where i cut everyone off and stay inside forever but i know i can't, i said wish too many times but this is the last time for today. sometimes i wish the world would expolde.

entry 3: i haven't updated this blog in so long it's been months since the last time and i miss it, and i guess i came back because im truly alone now, Yes I do have friends and a girlfriend but i don't think any of them geuinely care or ever worry about me, im tired of feeling alone im tired of feeling alienated and isolated, i feel defeated i went to get a check up yesterday and they suggested to get counseling again but for some reason i don't wanna go back maybe its because to me it'd be like losing, i don't know how to explain it but i just don't wanna feel like my life hasn't changed at all im scared of feeling failure once again, what do i do what in god's name is the answer to what im dealing with, sometimes i think maybe for someone like me finding happiness will never happen be it for current situations, a negative outlook on life, being too sensitive or being genetically desinated to be misrable, lets say i do find out now what its not like i can pull out a magic wand and fix everything my life will keep being the same this weird feeling of detachment has been looming over me during the start of winter im never here anymore im just moving along as if life has taken the steer wheel and whatever i do will never mattered, no matter what actions i take no matter what i do nothing will change and i guess i feel hopeless and i guess ill keep getting up and keep living, i guess i feel like dead or alive my life is the same both ways in both i just lay and rot, At least in one i don't feel anything maybe because im fucking dead but its better then whatever this bullshit is, all of this just to say god made me to kill myself, to be an example to everyone else that some people just can't with the hardships of life and end up doing the most cowardly act and recently i been thinking im so careless towards myself and to everything around me almost like nihilistic carelessness i don't give shit about anything anymore im tired of putting up a fight but im not going down without a fight im too afraid to kill myself hopefully life tears me apart into pieces to finally have something to kill myself over for, i have nobody it feels as if im always supporting myself recently and i have so many things that just bug me like today personal people kept calling me names and such and the constant verbal abuse just destroys me from the inside out. Sometimes i wish i could sleep forever and never wake up.                

entry 4: I hated today, Today felt like a nightmare some horrible blur of a mess, I slept throught all of it so I wouldn't have to deal with it but now im awake snd that's why im currently typing this up hopefully morning doesn't take too long so then I can get started for school not that i wanna go at all i dont wanna go anywhere but i dont wanna stay home either, i dont know what i want,i want to start therapy again and i also dont want to i just feel like id be a failure if i did so and today i had some tell me i should be happy because i have friends and a girlfriend and i felt a guiltiness, a feeling of wrong filled me am i really that ungrateful im always talking about how lonely i feel and such but maybe it's all a ungrateful asshole's rambling i know how it feels to not have anyone to count on but now that i do have people to count on why do i keep feeling the exact same lonliness maybe it is my fault for feeling this way and i feel sorry for my freinds for having to deal with someone like me and i feel sorry for my girlfriend too, if i weren't here maybe they would've found someone better to replace me for, someone who isn't as ungrateful and such a let down, thats another thing i have felt as if i have failed everyone's expectaions of me and that was along time ago, to all the people i have met throught my life i am so sorry you ever had to speak to me im sorry for ever talking to you and i hope all of you won't have to deal with me sometime near or in the future same goes to all my family i am so sorry you ever had to live with me and support my useless ungrateful ass and if anyone reading this if you have a friend your worried about reach out to them you dont know how good it feels to have someone just check up on you which reminds me of something that has been destroying me from the inside out, i was acting like this at school and my girlfriend ask me if i was okay and i respond with a no if i remember correctly and all she said was i hope you get better and i didn't get a text for another like 5 hours that i slept through and it just made me feel horrible because its been recently happening more often and it makes me feel horrible because it feels as if it's another one of those relationships that are easily managable, those relationships that "we just talk at school" like almost every other relationship i have and it's scary because my stupid ass thought it could've been different but i was wrong and this ties back to me being ungrateful maybe all these people i have metioned are trying they're best and im just being a fucking ungrateful asshole that keeps ruinning and destroying everything im sorry for the people i worry and the time you have wasted on me im so sorry im tired of all of it im sorry for being a ungrateful dick and im sorry for so much more all of this is stupid and im sorry for ever wasting my goddamn time on getting better or worrying everyone around me im just another worry for people im just another shitty aspect of life you all have to deal with maybe soon enough ill get the cue and disappear i wish i could have someone replace me but all of you will have someone to replace me with so i dont worry too much if i do disapear however the method is i wish to let all of you know that im sorry for ever making myself know to you and im sorry for ever starting this website i did it to make myself feel heard and such but i should think more before posting this garbage of a website and im sorry for ever trying to get better in life what a big old fucking let down, this is going to be my conclusion since this is getting kind of long, If i ever disappear or if i get better i just want to thank you all for listening and to all the people i know thanks for dealing with my misrable ass maybe sometime i wont bug any of you anymore and you all will be free from me. Sometimes i wish i could replace myself.

entry 5: Today I had a okay day I guess this morning I ripped a bag of cookies and the cookies went flying out and later on my backpack handle snapped off, im also a bit down since i had to cancel plans with my girlfriend because weather but that'll probably be the last time we'll metion hanging out with eachother, apart from this im also being made to go to califorina and i personally hate it but i don't have a choice it's either that or being stuck with my stepfather all of winter break which just saying i rather die.

entry 6: This is after the trip, i feel as if i took one thing with me, that being no matter where i run to it's the fucking same no matter when or where, misery will follow, im finally back in my own town and i had a sad thought no matter where i am all my relationships would be the same no matter where i was located at maybe i wouldn't see them anymore but will it change anything, sometimes i think i just drag people down and that i hold people back im nothing but dead weight to everyone someone to feel bad for someone to feel pitty for, how disgusting of me i wish i could beat myself to death maybe i'd feel better im nothing but a sad sack of shit, but no worries they have forcefully made me go back to therapy nothing has changed im still the same iwas beginning of this year i can't imagine why people decide to deal with someone like me, it's impossible for me to see anything postive or good in any sort of way whatever happens to me, no matter how i die it was probably for the better for everyone around me and myself, im a jealous, annoying, loud, non trusting, angry, sad, piece of shit, human filth, it's what i am and i don't know how and why im still living or have people around me it bugs me why what these people see in me why won't they see my ugly flaws and i feel sick to myself because i feel as if im hiding what im truly am, I feel alone, and what can i do about it nothing but weep alone like the dumb fucking idiot i am im all over the place im sorry for anyone reading this but holy shit im such a lap dog i need people and nobody needs me, a never ending cycle, i miss who i was if there ever was a me because i feel as if im lost im nowhere near, i need help and i dont know with what be i need it, i feel alone i really do i wish i had someone, someone who'd be by my side someone i know wouldnt choose anything or anyone over me but its stupid why do i think i earned such a person who the hell am i to have such a person in my life i should be grateful i even have friends to begin with im gonna end here i feel like i didn't put all my thoughts here but this is out of hand so ill end it.