entry 2: today i felt really alone, i have been stressing this week about almost everything i wish i could take a break from this place my aniexty has gotten worse i haven't taken the 150mgs yet im not sure if i should take em now while im home or take em before school both sounds really unpleasant but this dumb experiment has to go on, some im looking foward to is hanging out with my friends tomorrow watching cheap european movies im hoping one of them brings weed maybe it'll put my aniexty at ease and i'll get a break of worrying so damn much, nearly finished with resident evil 7 im glad im finally finishing a game for once, i need to be someone's prioity for once with eveyrbody i talk to it feels like they'll always have people above me if that makes any sense i want to be top prioity for somebody, but it seems that, that'll never happen and i feel heavily selfish for saying that i don't why but i feel selfish maybe because i know that's impossible to be someones world, i guess i feel selfish and guilty about it because i just want to feel cared for, it hurts knowing ill never be someone's prioity maybe i already have that person and im just being ungrateful, im a greedy asshole i just want more and more for me, sometimes i ask myself what im gonna do when im alone again, i already lived through it for 17 years another 17 years can't hurt plus im already treated differently and exculded, i feel like im so disconnected from people that i doubt they think im human or maybe i doubt their humans either way it feels robotic it feels like im in some sort of simulation or uh a movie set because i feel like i can't connect with anyone it's all just empty interactions and relationships and maybe that's why i feel alone it's because im disconnected, i don't know how to fix it and it ruins my relationships just like my aniexty, i suddenly think nobody is loyal and that they're just there to hurt me, im afraid of people, i don't understand them and i feel like shit because i feel like i don't belong anywhere i want to feel welcomed but it feels like im always an outsider, i want to take my life in a whole different direction where i cut everyone off and stay inside forever but i know i can't, i said wish too many times but this is the last time for today. sometimes i wish the world would expolde.

entry 3: i haven't updated this blog in so long it's been months since the last time and i miss it, and i guess i came back because im truly alone now, Yes I do have friends and a girlfriend but i don't think any of them geuinely care or ever worry about me, im tired of feeling alone im tired of feeling alienated and isolated, i feel defeated i went to get a check up yesterday and they suggested to get counseling again but for some reason i don't wanna go back maybe its because to me it'd be like losing, i don't know how to explain it but i just don't wanna feel like my life hasn't changed at all im scared of feeling failure once again, what do i do what in god's name is the answer to what im dealing with, sometimes i think maybe for someone like me finding happiness will never happen be it for current situations, a negative outlook on life, being too sensitive or being genetically desinated to be misrable, lets say i do find out now what its not like i can pull out a magic wand and fix everything my life will keep being the same this weird feeling of detachment has been looming over me during the start of winter im never here anymore im just moving along as if life has taken the steer wheel and whatever i do will never mattered, no matter what actions i take no matter what i do nothing will change and i guess i feel hopeless and i guess ill keep getting up and keep living, i guess i feel like dead or alive my life is the same both ways in both i just lay and rot, At least in one i don't feel anything maybe because im fucking dead but its better then whatever this bullshit is, all of this just to say god made me to kill myself, to be an example to everyone else that some people just can't with the hardships of life and end up doing the most cowardly act and recently i been thinking im so careless towards myself and to everything around me almost like nihilistic carelessness i don't give shit about anything anymore im tired of putting up a fight but im not going down without a fight im too afraid to kill myself hopefully life tears me apart into pieces to finally have something to kill myself over for, i have nobody it feels as if im always supporting myself recently and i have so many things that just bug me like today personal people kept calling me names and such and the constant verbal abuse just destroys me from the inside out. Sometimes i wish i could sleep forever and never wake up.  

entry 4: I hated today, Today felt like a nightmare some horrible blur of a mess, I slept throught all of it so I wouldn't have to deal with it but now im awake snd that's why im currently typing this up hopefully morning doesn't take too long so then I can get started for school not that i wanna go at all i dont wanna go anywhere but i dont wanna stay home either, i dont know what i want,i want to start therapy again and i also dont want to i just feel like id be a failure if i did so and today i had some tell me i should be happy because i have friends and a girlfriend and i felt a guiltiness, a feeling of wrong filled me am i really that ungrateful im always talking about how lonely i feel and such but maybe it's all a ungrateful asshole's rambling i know how it feels to not have anyone to count on but now that i do have people to count on why do i keep feeling the exact same lonliness maybe it is my fault for feeling this way and i feel sorry for my freinds for having to deal with someone like me and i feel sorry for my girlfriend too, if i weren't here maybe they would've found someone better to replace me for, someone who isn't as ungrateful and such a let down, thats another thing i have felt as if i have failed everyone's expectaions of me and that was along time ago, to all the people i have met throught my life i am so sorry you ever had to speak to me im sorry for ever talking to you and i hope all of you won't have to deal with me sometime near or in the future same goes to all my family i am so sorry you ever had to live with me and support my useless ungrateful ass and if anyone reading this if you have a friend your worried about reach out to them you dont know how good it feels to have someone just check up on you which reminds me of something that has been destroying me from the inside out, i was acting like this at school and my girlfriend ask me if i was okay and i respond with a no if i remember correctly and all she said was i hope you get better and i didn't get a text for another like 5 hours that i slept through and it just made me feel horrible because its been recently happening more often and it makes me feel horrible because it feels as if it's another one of those relationships that are easily managable, those relationships that "we just talk at school" like almost every other relationship i have and it's scary because my stupid ass thought it could've been different but i was wrong and this ties back to me being ungrateful maybe all these people i have metioned are trying they're best and im just being a fucking ungrateful asshole that keeps ruinning and destroying everything im sorry for the people i worry and the time you have wasted on me im so sorry im tired of all of it im sorry for being a ungrateful dick and im sorry for so much more all of this is stupid and im sorry for ever wasting my goddamn time on getting better or worrying everyone around me im just another worry for people im just another shitty aspect of life you all have to deal with maybe soon enough ill get the cue and disappear i wish i could have someone replace me but all of you will have someone to replace me with so i dont worry too much if i do disapear however the method is i wish to let all of you know that im sorry for ever making myself know to you and im sorry for ever starting this website i did it to make myself feel heard and such but i should think more before posting this garbage of a website and im sorry for ever trying to get better in life what a big old fucking let down, this is going to be my conclusion since this is getting kind of long, If i ever disappear or if i get better i just want to thank you all for listening and to all the people i know thanks for dealing with my misrable ass maybe sometime i wont bug any of you anymore and you all will be free from me. Sometimes i wish i could replace myself.

entry 5: Today I had a okay day I guess this morning I ripped a bag of cookies and the cookies went flying out and later on my backpack handle snapped off, im also a bit down since i had to cancel plans with my girlfriend because weather but that'll probably be the last time we'll metion hanging out with eachother, apart from this im also being made to go to califorina and i personally hate it but i don't have a choice it's either that or being stuck with my stepfather all of winter break which just saying i rather die.  

entry 6: This is after the trip, i feel as if i took one thing with me, that being no matter where i run to it's the fucking same no matter when or where, misery will follow, im finally back in my own town and i had a sad thought no matter where i am all my relationships would be the same no matter where i was located at maybe i wouldn't see them anymore but will it change anything, sometimes i think i just drag people down and that i hold people back im nothing but dead weight to everyone someone to feel bad for someone to feel pitty for, how disgusting of me i wish i could beat myself to death maybe i'd feel better im nothing but a sad sack of shit, but no worries they have forcefully made me go back to therapy nothing has changed im still the same iwas beginning of this year i can't imagine why people decide to deal with someone like me, it's impossible for me to see anything postive or good in any sort of way whatever happens to me, no matter how i die it was probably for the better for everyone around me and myself, im a jealous, annoying, loud, non trusting, angry, sad, piece of shit, human filth, it's what i am and i don't know how and why im still living or have people around me it bugs me why what these people see in me why won't they see my ugly flaws and i feel sick to myself because i feel as if im hiding what im truly am, I feel alone, and what can i do about it nothing but weep alone like the dumb fucking idiot i am im all over the place im sorry for anyone reading this but holy shit im such a lap dog i need people and nobody needs me, a never ending cycle, i miss who i was if there ever was a me because i feel as if im lost im nowhere near, i need help and i dont know with what be i need it, i feel alone i really do i wish i had someone, someone who'd be by my side someone i know wouldnt choose anything or anyone over me but its stupid why do i think i earned such a person who the hell am i to have such a person in my life i should be grateful i even have friends to begin with im gonna end here i feel like i didn't put all my thoughts here but this is out of hand so ill end it.  

entry 7: I know I haven't updated this thing in months but I have been put into corner again, recently I been taking excessive amounts of my aniexty medications which eventually ran out and for about 2 weeks I felt like shit and my aniexty has gotten worse because of my dumbass choices, I want to say this lead to my girlfriend of 8 months leaving me, But im not sure whatever it was, it was probably for the best even though i think the way she did it was so fucking shit but hey it's over, this has lead me to feel a lot more alone currently, My family, friends and ex girlfriend, they all feel meaningless not the people themselves but the relationship I have with them, It means nothing there is nothing, Sure they feel hurt when i say things or do things but it seems to be only one sided they are ruthless, Like my ex girlfriend, she said i make her feel speical and like she isn't a waste of space but when I was with her I felt priceless, at the momment I felt great but now looking at it I was nothing to her as much as she said she loved me, she was incapable of showing it and this goes to everyone I know I feel as if everyone just wants me there when they have nobody or they need someone to be there with them but when I need someone, I usually know nobody will be there for me, I now sit in my room alone, Not having someone to text me everyday and every hour, as if anyone ever could or did, ill just try and finish school and try to get my therapy going again since a lot of the symtops of depression and worsen aniexty are causing a lot of worry and stress, same thing with school I feel as if it's crushing me, I haven't had any time to process the break up or any change in my life because of school, in a way it keeps me from thinking too much so that's great I guess. All of the problems I have are worsen by my lonliness, it feels as if you have nobody on your side, somehow i ended up where i started, nothing has changed, I haven't changed, Depression and aniexty have been a permanet constant throught almost my entire life. All this to say why are you still trying and I ask myself how people can live in such a struggle, is life really worth living when it has no permanet happiness but only permanet suffering? a universal constant, suffering is a very understood thing every culture, language, tradition, religon has some form of suffering in it even our scientific achivements were sometimes made to avoid or ignore suffering, I think about a life with no happiness and it seems possible to me, the opposite seems impossible, But maybe because happiness is a benefit of suffering, what we think of happiness might only be short breaks from suffering. if I knew I was going to be left this alone maybe I should have stayed alone.

 

entry 8: i finally got registered into therapy and got stablized on meds, Having someone ask you if you want to kill yourself is a weird situation it feels unreal and almost careless i know it's not supposed to come off as that but it's a sobering experince, Therapy is weird but it has worked in the passed so im not leaving it anytime soon recently i noticed every fucking time everything is going fine it all comes crashing down on me and i have to rebuild from the ground up it's honestly so tiring, it makes me lose hope that sure ill get to a point where everything in life is well but it lasts for a few 3 months and it's back to hell on earth, i was thinking about how i am going to kill myself, i plan to get a job work as hard as i can so i can have at least something to leave behind because i know i need to help my family but im not sure i feel like if i killed myself it'd be so selfish of me, not helping my family at all, so i guess ill live in till they are going do but then again my suicide would destroy them, what i'd do to have nobody know me or care about me, it sounds weird but i want to go out like any homeless guy dead in the streets with nobody to ID them or maybe a meteor hitting this forsaken town, either one would complete the goal this makes me think about my previous entry which i was talking about the good moments in life are only there because the suffering stopped for bit, im just a huge avid believer of nihilism, maybe not nihilism, i think that life does have some sort of meaning, not one that i created or one of human nature or created by man, the meaning of life is sufferment and i hate how everyone so careless about it, in every culture and society have their lies or reasons for suffering such as the problem of homelessness, sometimes it's never empathy but disgust or "they're doing it to themselves as anyone wanted to be suffering, Nobody chooses to suffer, not even those who chase a small amount of happiness no matter of the consquences then get punished just for a little bit of unlasting happiness, if god really loved us he wouldn't let rape, murder, incest, hunger, war, and abuse go rampant and think about all of this, if you saw a murder happening would you be a bystander? And whatever you answer with it doesn't matter because God is all good so why is suffering still exists even if you don't believe in a God think about life itself, barely any moments of happiness, Sufferage is a universal constant as much as gravity and other laws of the universe are constant and I don't think people who believe in God are stupid or evil i think that they are trying to find some sort of comfort, some sort of hope and it makes me depressed thinking about it, if what i have said to up to this point is true then we are nothing but stockholm syndrome victims, i use to believe in a God but everytime id pray for things to get better he'd follow throught but after sometime he'd rip everything i have out of my hands and destroy it, im falling into delusion i feel lost in why suffering is so constant and so wide spread, ask anyone about what problems they have and they always have something, maybe imm insane but God is a sadist, Not everything he made was "good" it's all rotten to the very core, i think the only way to solve this is a wide extinction like event of the human race, to relieve everyone of pain and suffering but nothing really is capable of doing such a thing, humans adpat and always have some sort of self preservation even if it means to suffer infinitely or suffer a worst fate, i wish i could let go of the physical world and finally kill myself, and to anyone reading this with any thoughts of suicide, don't follow through with it, even if i think it should be your choice and you have the right to, i would not be able to bare the thought of having someone suffer because of my deranged thoughts, if i ever do kill myself which may never happen, I want this whole website to be my last words or whatever you want to call it.

 

entry 9: i am currently in the lowest point of my life, i don't have anyone in my life anymore its empty i recently have been feeling isolated, alienated and alone, this has been one of my loneliest times in my life and it has made my life so much more harder, waking up and getting up has gotten so much harder, i can barely go to school anymore, i have already missed so much of school , im just tired i feel like im being pushed to the edge of hopelessnes and i have seen that many of the things i use to enjoy i have lost interest in, eating has became a chore, i dont find enjoyment in it anymore just everything i had a reason to keep going i have lost it, now everything feels pointless and meaningless, everyday it gets harder to not give up and to think i need to go through this for the next 9 months it seems impossible to me, i dont want to alarm anybody but i have been thinking about it lately and i think ill write the notes first and then set a date sometime near but i dont know anymore i feel as if i need to stay a little longer to help but it's gotten so hard i can barely get through normal days anymore everyday it has been me in slience just thinking, i may not know what hell might be like but this is the closes i have come to knowing it. i rationalize suicide by thinking of how it will be like this forever and for the greater sake of myself i should do it while i still can, because with depression nothing will ever work, i always liked the idea of being a father but what if my depression gets moved onto my children genetically or mentally, for me to do such a thing would be sickening and for someone who is not only a genetic failure but a human failure, i should contribute to society by killing myself lift the burden off of my family and my doctor, im a pointless endeavor, whatever i do nothing will ever change, how many more times will i have to get therapy, how many more times will i have my dosage increased, how many more things do i have to get through what more do i need to do just to live a normal life how much more can i keep doing this. i just want to keep typing i somehow think that if i can keep typing maybe ill stop feeling this way or that it'll bring back joy to my life when i know that whatever i do ill just have to go back to the hard true reality. recently i have been looking into a.s.h or alt suicide holiday supposedly a group of people discussing suicide and i feel as if they might have some similar views on it but im not sure i havet gone deep enough into it. i should stop rambling, i feel like im a cockroach, im disgusted by myself i wish i could step on myself, but all i can do is beg for God or someone else to do it to just murder me, i dont care how it happens anymore i just want death upon me.

entry 10: it's my birthday did nothing for today but i did walk with my family and my dog as you can see in the picture, while walking i guess i felt good to be alive for once i dont know what it was but i was calm and its still pouring, Well happy 18th. (pic here)

entry 11: im basically alone most days after school it's straight to home, i thought i was doing good but nothing ever did change nothing will ever change, i spend everyday in my room watching, that's how i spend most of my time i did use to have a good friend that use to talk to me but they have stopped so i dont know where i can just retreat to, to feel better. these last few weeks it has felt like i have been slowly bleeding out, i told my doctor im doing better but im not even sure anymore i have such bad mood swings and it's just making my whole life harder and confusing i feel like at every momment i keep contradicting myself and it feels as if i just do it to seem worse or i dont know. i hope with my sertaline dosage being increased to 100 mgs and my hydroxyzine up to 25 mgs im hoping this will be enough to at least help me feel good for at least a month, same goes for my therapy sessions, sometimes i think that its over theres no point in fighting anymore i have been fighting depression for about 5 years now, its been a fucked up constant in my life and sometimes i just wish i was done with it, i dont care how i just want it to stop, day in and day out it's all the same bullshit, im fighting a battle i can no longer keep fighting, my grades are shit, my social life is shit, my mental health is shit, my financial situation is shit, my family life is shit and not to mention the countless other fuck ups i have, again maybe doing all this getting better bullshit is just pointless, its all for nothing and i should just get over it and deal with it instead of fighting back again and again, im going to close with this, if i know you im sorry if i cause any worry, i know life is full of worries and me adding onto those is probably stupid as fuck and thats not my intent with this, this website is just a way for me to talk about how i feel so thank you for the worries but i rather not stress anyone out with this, clearly this is my own problem i have to deal with and im grateful and thankful for everyone who has helped me up to this point.

entry 12: Today, it was like any other day, isolation, only thing i can think of is late night hot summer days the only sounds you'd hear is a fan, the crickets and the tv, i miss the days when i'd have no worries, when everyday didn't feel like any other day, i wish i can be a kid again, now all i can do is remember.

entry 13: i miss my friend that i cut off due to fear of being cut off myself, i spent today like any other keeping myself distracted, ever after i cut them off its been basically the lonliest it's ever been and i been thinking about just lessing contact with my friends because at this rate it'd be the same for a long time and i just guess im better off alone im totally cornered and overhelmed, i have nobody and nothing, all i gotta do is dust off and keep going i guess.

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